[kj] ot - what a lovely dinner for the prez & co.

[fluw]

**
By E&P Staff

Published: May 04, 2006 10:25 AM ET
*NEW YORK* Four days after the event, the controversy over _Stephen 
Colbert's routine at the White House Correspondents Dinner_ 
<http://www.editorandpublisher.com/eandp/news/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1002425363> 
on Saturday night -- and the media's reaction to it -- continues to 
build, with followup stories in The New York Times, Los Angeles, and 
dozens of other places, including MTV.com.

E&P published the first account of the affair on Saturday night, and has 
presented numerous stories -- and dozens of _letters_ 
<http://www.editorandpublisher.com/eandp/news/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1002461891> 
to the editor -- since. But you be the judge. Here is a transcript of 
his speech, delivered in his usual faux-Bill O'Reilly voice. It closed 
with a video segment, not transcribed here.

***

COLBERT: Wow, what an honor. The White House Correspondents' Dinner. To 
actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be 
this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You 
know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. 
Somebody shoot me in the face.

Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped.

By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at 
their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. 
Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.

Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, 
Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege 
to celebrate this president. We're not so different, he and I. We get 
it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the 
factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the 
truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve 
endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up.

I know some of you are going to say "I did look it up, and that's not 
true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book. Next time, look it up 
in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. 
Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the 
gut, OK? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I 
call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.

I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that 
I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut 
tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the 
Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to 
see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow.

Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy 
Meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the government that 
governs best is the government that governs least. And by these 
standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is 
possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was 
magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone 
has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I 
believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your 
personal savior.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe 
it's not butter. Most of all, I believe in this president.

Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% 
approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. 
We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what 
people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the 
glass is half full. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the 
glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still 
some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last 
third is usually backwash.

Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point 
in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback. I 
mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." All right. The president in this case 
is Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed is -- everything else in the world. 
It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this 
case I guess would be the vice president, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, 
cut me!," and every time he falls everyone says, "Stay down! Stay down!" 
Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- 
actually, he loses in the first movie.

OK. Doesn't matter. The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man 
who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the 
approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this 
man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% 
approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.

I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. 
Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers 
and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong 
message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound 
-- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.

Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very 
forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch 
cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative 
energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!

And I just like the guy. He's a good Joe. Obviously loves his wife, 
calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true 
lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am. I'm sorry, 
but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. 
I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, 
telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's 
Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to 
say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the 
president, let history decide what did or did not happen.

The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he 
stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, 
no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs 
never will.

As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be 
surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the 
exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the 
president's side, and the vice president's side.

But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping 
or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very 
important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, 
well, misery accomplished.

Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD 
intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to 
know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good 
times, as far as we knew.

But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president 
makes decisions. He's the Decider. The press secretary announces those 
decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, 
announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to 
know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got 
kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid 
Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. 
You know - fiction!

Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your 
questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for 
personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you 
write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." 
First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not 
sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are 
rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!

Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some are heroes: Christopher 
Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. They've all been on my 
show. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my 
show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's 
Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean 
bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.

See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of 
Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They 
still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? 
Right, they still support Rumsfeld.

Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired 
generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire! Come on, we've 
got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni and 
that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of 
those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men 
into battle. Come on.

Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in 
a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging 
interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he 
wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that 
metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what 
a glacier is.

John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody 
find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it 
wasn't a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There's no 
predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you 
coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South 
Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So 
glad you've seen the light, sir.

Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! 
Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, 
D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker 
crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess is what I'm describing.

Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous 
husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife 
Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? [looks horrified] I am 
sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along "Joe Wilson's 
wife. "Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.

And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour, new press 
secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, "Snow Job." Toughest job. 
What a hero! Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of 
course, the ambassador to Iraq.

Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan 
could say nothing like nobody else.
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