[kj] OT::: (fwd) msg from the queen

[Brendan]

You guys use the calibre measurement for slugs don't you? .22, .223, .30,
.50 etc. Confuses the hell out of me, everyone should use fecking
metric...


> (I thought this was already happening as of

>  Gordon Brown last week taking the lead in

>                       the world financial bailout?)

>  

>  

> Now, we have to go back to singing, "God Saves the Queen" again?

> And, rules 7 and 8 will be the complete end of us.

> [ironically, the only thing we do measure in millimeters are

>              the size of our bullets - and not all of those, either]

>  

>  

>  

>  

> What about Hip-Hop?

>

>

>

> ... ... ... ... ... ...

>

> [looking at the current state of things..]

>  

> 'Save me...

>   save me from Tomorrow..

>     I don't want to sail in this Ship Of Fools...'  

>

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: bongo <humanhybrid666 at gmail.com>

> To: A list about all things Killing Joke (the band!)

> <gathering at misera.net>

> Sent: Wednesday, October 22, 2008 2:56:14 PM

> Subject: [kj] OT::: (fwd) msg from the queen

>

>

> apologies for the inbox filler, but i thought this quite funny . . .

>

> =) 

>

>

>

>

>

> To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty

> Queen Elizabeth  II

>

> In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates

> for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give

> notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

>  

> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties

> over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she

> does not fancy).

>  

> Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America

> without the need for further elections.

>

> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

>  

> A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of

> you noticed.

>  

> To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following

> rules are introduced with immediate effect:

>  

> (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

>  

> 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.  You will be

> amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

>  

> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour",

> "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut"

> without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced

> by the suffix '-ise'.  Generally, you will be expected to raise your

> vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up "vocabulary").

>  

> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such

> as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

> communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft

> know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

> into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of  -ize.

>

> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

>  

> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,

> or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows

> that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used

> for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out without suing someone

> or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

>

> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more

> dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if

> you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

>  

> 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start

> driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you

> will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion

> tables.

>

> Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British

> sense of humour.

>  

> 8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

> calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

>  

> 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

> are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips

> are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,

> and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

>  

> 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

> beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to

> as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be

> referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable as they are

> pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be

> due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it

> did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's

> Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

>

> 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good

> guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play

> English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in

> Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears

> removed with a cheese grater.

>  

> 12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of

> proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will, in

> time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

> football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or

> wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).  Don't try rugby

> - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash

> us.

>

> 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host

> an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of

> America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyondyour

> borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we

> will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their

> deliveries.

>

> 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

>  

> 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

> monies due (backdated to 1776).

>

> 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,

> and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus

> strawberries (with cream) when in season.

>

> God Save the Queen!

>

> --

>

>

> "due to a lack of trained trumpeters, the end of the world has been

> postponed indefinitely..."

>

>

>

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