[kj] A Statement

[Lesley Lee]

Lennonka

I am not going to comment on anything but the state you were in back in 2007. My name is Simon. At that time, I had temporarily moved back in with my parents. You wrote me a letter at that address - I don't know whether you remember? I'm sorry to say that I never got to read that letter because someone else opened it and threw it away. Needless to say, I was very angry with them. Unfortunately, I didn't have an address for you, so I had no way of explaining what had happened. I am just reflecting that I might have been able to help or say something that could have made a difference at that time. At least your attempt was unsuccessful. I'm sorry if you felt snubbed or abandoned at the time. It was not my wish. I would have sought to support you.

The only thing I'll add is that you absolutely must leave Jaz in the past - for your sake as much as anyone's.

God bless you.

Simon

________________________________
From: Gathering <gathering-bounces at misera.net> on behalf of Lennonka <lennonka at gmail.com>
Sent: 10 April 2022 13:25
To: A list about all things Killing Joke (the band!) <gathering at misera.net>
Subject: [kj] A Statement

Dear sisters and brothers,

I have a statement to make that you may not like, but the truth must be told.
It's not an easy thing to tell, but I'm doing my best to approach your circle with trust.
So, before you judge me, try to listen to the whole story. And please, do make an effort to not make any assumptions, and ask questions if you want clarifications.

When I met Jaz in 2006, I was a 22 year old girl. Very clever, maybe even a bit wiser than my peers, but immature. I was hoping to find a friend in him, because he seemed to feel as lonely as I felt. And of course I fell in love with him. You know what he was like back then. And I was a mess. I basically felt the way he looked! Because the "partners" we choose are a mere reflection of ourselves.

Then I was trying to approach him again to tell him in person how I felt about him. But the situation wasn't friendly towards that effort. And I was in a very stressful life situation and I got depressed very deeply and I attempted a suicide in June 2007.

Obviously and fortunately, despite determination, I failed.

I was getting better quickly, but I was still in a very bad place, both circumstance and mental-wise. I blamed him for ruining my life. But not just mine. I was observing that a fellow sister was getting harsh treatment from another band member. I was super angry that people can tremple other people and get away with it, because everyone was scared of them. And I wanted to diminish the value of my relation with Jaz and I decided to use Paul Raven, who has expressed sexual interest in me earlier that year. And I intended to sleep with him as an act of vengeance for the victims of the abuse of privilege that certain people were given to serve humanity.

The little girl who wanted to play God.

Raven must have known what had been happening, yet he still was able to show me unconditional love. Given what happened then, I'm moved beyond words by his courage and his big heart. I did have a crush on him. But as I was getting less angry, I started wishing hard that I didn't have to go through with this intent, because I was still in love with Jaz. I don't know what exactly happened to him and what exactly my role in this was. But I've matured enough to feel partially accountable to say the least.

I've been learning a really harsh lesson about vengeance over the last 15 years. And also that justice is often mistaken with vengeance. So when we call for justice, we must be really careful what we are actually calling for.

I want to say that I am sorry.

There's more that I want to tell, but everything else is a child play comparing to this part of the story.

Well, you're the tribunal.

Do judge if you Will. Your choice.
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