[kj] (OT) Don't-let-The-Gathering-die! Emergency Poll

[Paul Rangecroft]

Thanks for replies so far.

1. Have you ever seen a ghost?
Yes, I think I saw a spirit once. No bid deal though, it wouldn't
bother me if it turned out I hadn't.

2. Have you ever seen a Bigfoot?
No. Don't know why I put this question in. It has not been a success thus far.

3. What is your favourite cheese?
Brie. Preferably with Alison Brie.

4. Who is your favourite historical character?
Joanna the Mad. Most of my historical knowledge comes from The Bugle
podcast. I wish I knew more about it but I've always had a bit of a
mental block when it comes to the subject, to my shame.

5. What is love anyway?
Nothing (in tennis).
Subsidiary question: Does anybody love anybody anyway? Yes, of course,
ya cretin Howard man.

6. Would you rather be a cow or a badger?
No, I'm happy being a human, thanks.

7. Have you ever tried to communicate with the dead?
Just the usual teenage Ouija stuff. Not convinced it was anything
other than a massive load of shite.

8. If you had to marry a Muppet – if you had to – which Muppet would you marry?
Surely Miss Piggy would be well up for it? But yes, Janice, is the best looking.

9. Have you ever had a near death experience?
Yes, three of them. Once - as a child - I felt very peaceful, once I
felt utterly terrified beyond description, and once I felt slightly
embarrassed to have died (which I thought I was going to do) in such a
mundane way (I slipped on some ice).

10. If you got on Dragon’s Den, what product would you pitch?
I was very proud to invent the hands-free umbrella the other week only
to discover it has already been invented. Maybe some sort of variation
on that, like one that extends from a backpack, or summat.

11. What’s the worst experience you’ve ever had in a hotel?
Had a few. Listening to people shagging one time. No hot water and TV
didn't work another, plus the toilet was too close to the sink so you
couldn't sit down properly. Absolute joke. Made Fawlty Towers look
good.

12. Which celebrity would you like to stroke your hair as you die?
Mary-Louise Parker. She has an ethereal, otherworldly quality.

13. What is your most mundane encounter with a celebrity?
Saw Mark Williams (snooker player) playing a fruit machine in
Blackpool Central Pier. Saw Jonathon Edwards (triple jumper) in Heaton
Park in Newcastle.

14. Does sex with a robot count as cheating on your partner?
I don't think so really. Unless you are a robot yourself.

15. What song would you like to replace your national anthem?
It's got to be 'God Save the Queen' hasn't it? For a serious
suggestion maybe Jerusalem - always sounds good at the cricket.

16. If you could jump into a pool of something, what would it be?
Money, I suppose (to be spent on Japanese schoolgirls, obviously).

17. If you could communicate with one animal, which animal would you
communicate with and what would you ask them?
I'd ask a dolphin if it was really happy or it just looked like it was
grinning, and what it really thought of humans that swim with dolphins
like it's some sort of spiritual experience.

18. How did the murder of Thomas A Beckett affect Anglo-Papal
relations in the 12th Century?
Don't get me started on that.

19. Do you know the way to San Jose?
Don't need to now we've got SatNav.

20. Have things turned out like you expected them to?
No, not really, but thinks are ok. Expectations a planned disappointments.

BONUS QUESTION: How would you escape from a Nazi prisoner of war camp?
Tunnel/soil down trouser-leg job.